I hope mine doesn't look like that
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I checked into jail on foursquare
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
