found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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