she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
