New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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