I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
