omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
