you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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