I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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