i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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