OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
