just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
