Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
