Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
