I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
