areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
