can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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