It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
