help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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