TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
