You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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