Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dicks are not precious.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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