we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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