I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
