The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
