What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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