So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
and she was petting her beer can
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
