my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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