I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
