I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Life is so much better after having sex.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
