You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
