Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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