so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
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Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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