I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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