Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
