He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
