my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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