Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
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I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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