you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
