Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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