Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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