I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
