so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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