Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
