I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
