I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
