I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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