is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
