I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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