thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
