I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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