Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
