you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
