woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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