She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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