my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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