There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
