Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
